


versions of selves

by capsule



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28977738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capsule/pseuds/capsule
Summary: Reaching for Renjun when the cameras are on becomes a habit.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Na Jaemin, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Jeno
Comments: 16
Kudos: 61





	versions of selves

“Hyung,” says Jeno, pulling back as far as he needs to in order look Doyoung in the eyes. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

The grip of Doyoung’s arms around Jeno’s waist loosens slightly with the shift in position. He tilts his head, looking down at Jeno, and draws him back in. “Spending time with my favourite dongsaeng?”

“No,” Jeno says. “That’s not what I meant.”

Jeno drops forward, shoulders relaxing. Pressed together so closely, Doyoung can’t see his face.

“You should be more careful.”

It’s an odd comment to make. Doyoung is always careful.

» »

Jaemin spends more time attached to his phone than anyone else Doyoung knows. Every free moment during filming and rehearsals he curls up in a corner with his head bent down, barely moving until someone calls his name. The other members are happy to give him his space, but a deep-rooted sense of responsibility pushes Doyoung to be interfering. “What’s so interesting?” he asks, crouching down to reach Jaemin’s level. “A girl? Is she pretty?”

Jaemin spares him a quick glance and a small, sarcastic smirk, as though he’s letting Doyoung in on some private joke. It’s a look he must have developed over the past couple of years. Doyoung doesn’t recall ever seeing it when they were rookies.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Years spent playing the part of an annoying younger brother to perfection never left Doyoung fully. Secrets are forbidden fruit; feeling left out is intolerable. “Show me,” he says, shifting in closer. “Come on, I wanna see.”

He reaches forward but Jaemin snatches his phone away and clutches it to his chest. He doesn’t say anything. Jaemin simply looks at Doyoung with an unreadable expression on his face. Leaning forward, weight resting on the balls of his feet, Doyoung feels as though he could topple over at any moment.

He gets up when it becomes clear Jaemin doesn’t intend to do anything more than stare at Doyoung silently and wait for him to leave. Doyoung doesn’t know what to say. It’s a strange moment.

He can feel Jaemin still looking at him even after he walks away.

» »

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck says. “Jaemin is just Jaemin. You know him.”

“He seems different.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “Everyone’s got their own shit going on. Just leave him be.”

» »

Reaching for Renjun when the cameras are on becomes a habit. He still hasn’t quite figured out the balance for how to play their interactions, even after months of practice, but he supposes it doesn’t matter. Any weirdness gets waved off as part of the bit. The important point is making it visible.

Away from the lens, Renjun turns a critical eye Doyoung’s way. “How long are you going to keep acting like this?”

Still holding onto Renjun, with an arm draped around his shoulders, Doyoung stiffens. He’d been wrong before when he put Renjun in the same category as Donghyuck. Donghyuck loves bullshit. Renjun cuts right through it.

“Sorry,” he says, for want of anything else to offer. He drops his arm, puts space between them. “I can stop.”

Renjun shakes his head. “I don’t really care. But doesn’t it get tiring?”

In that moment, Doyoung thinks Renjun sounds naïve.

» »

Taeyong told him once, “I’m saying this out of love, but you’re kind of nuts.”

In return Doyoung wrestled him onto the bed, hands digging into soft spots to exact his revenge. It wasn’t an easy task to accomplish. For all the softness in his personality, Taeyong was made of sharp angles. Even when Taeyong didn’t try to fight back, Doyoung usually came out second best.

“I wasn’t insulting you!” Taeyong cried, struggling to escape.

“How was that not an insult!”

Once they’d called a ceasefire, retreating to opposite sides of the beds and panting heavily, Taeyong looked back across at Doyoung with a small frown on his face. “What I meant,” he said, “what I was going to say, is that sometimes the things you think are normal aren’t normal. You have to remember that.”

Doyoung lay back and stared at the ceiling. “What even is normal anyway.”

» »

Talking to Renjun turns out to be a lot easier after they’ve both been drinking. Renjun makes for a happy drunk. He smiles freely, is easily flustered, and tells Doyoung he’s “actually really cool, I respect you a lot” while clutching Doyoung’s arm, fingers curled tight around his bicep.

Alcohol makes Doyoung loud and it makes him stupid. He loses track of what he says to Renjun, but he can only hope he’s not going to wake up feeling embarrassed in the morning. Renjun seems to appreciate hearing his thoughts at least. He looks at Doyoung with a steady gaze, quietly taking him in. Doyoung thinks it feels nice to be considered so thoughtfully.

Renjun rests his chin on his hand and says, “I think I’m going to regret this later.”

Doyoung doesn’t understand what he means until later that night, when they’re stumbling up the stairs to Renjun’s dorm. Renjun had asked Doyoung to walk him back, and Doyoung agreed without really thinking about it.

Halfway up the stairs, Renjun stops and presses Doyoung up against the wall. He tastes sweet, like fruit juice laced with promises he wishes he could keep. Doyoung can’t remember the last time someone kissed him first. He’s gotten too used to taking the lead, and the novelty of following lulls him into tenderness.

When Renjun pulls back, hands resting against Doyoung’s chest, he tells him he doesn’t need to walk him the rest of the way.

“Thanks for tonight,” he says, and his soft smile eases some of Doyoung’s nerves. “I had a good time.”

» »

Taking Jeno and Jaemin out for a meal less than 24 hours after he kissed their friend isn’t Doyoung’s brightest decision. He should have made an excuse when Jeno called him with a reminder of Doyoung’s promise to treat him, but he’s never been able to say no to Jeno. Jaemin hadn’t been part of the original plan, but he showed up behind Jeno when Jeno arrived, and Doyoung couldn’t exactly turn him away.

Dinner is a bit of a disaster. Doyoung can’t focus, too distracted to keep up with conversation, and he flinches every time he feels his phone vibrate. He knows he should leave it untouched in his pocket for later, but he compulsively checks it every few minutes, keeping it hidden under the table just in case anything incriminating shows up.

Jeno definitely notices how weird he’s acting. Doyoung can tell by the way Jeno glances at him across the table, eyebrows twitching together with concern. He’s too kind to say anything.

“I heard you went out with Renjun last night,” Jaemin says.

Doyoung almost chokes. He steadies himself, before he gives too much away. Jaemin lives with Renjun. Of course he knows that much.

“I did,” Doyoung says. “Just following through on a promise. I said I’d take him out after that whole Awsaz thing.”

“So you’re actually friends now?”

“We’re… friendly.”

He can’t tell what Jaemin makes of that answer. He seems concentrated on something, teeth tugging at his bottom lip as he stares at Doyoung, but his penchant for silence remains strong. Doyoung returns to his food, chats with Jeno, and tries not to think about anything else.

While Doyoung’s paying for dinner, Jaemin sidles up to him and wraps an arm around his waist, pressing in close. “Thanks for dinner,” he says, hooking his chin over Doyoung’s shoulder.

Standing like this makes it easy to fall back into old roles. Doyoung twists his body so he can change their position, bringing his arm up around the back of Jaemin’s shoulders. When he strokes the side of Jaemin’s head, Jaemin leans into him. He’s always craved closeness.

“We should do this again sometime,” Doyoung says, turning his head so his lips brush against Jaemin’s bleach-damaged hair. “I’ve missed you guys.”

Jaemin responds by tightening his hold on Doyoung, as though trying to delay their inevitable separation. It doesn’t last long. Jeno returns from the bathroom and Doyoung drops his arm from Jaemin’s shoulders, steps away.

» »

At 2:37am, right before Doyoung goes to sleep, Jaemin’s name jumps to the top of his Katalk chat list.

He’s sent a single message. It’s a photo of Renjun looking just off-camera, sitting in what looks to be his bedroom. His hair is messy and there’s no makeup on his face. He isn’t smiling, but there’s a dreamy quality to the look in his eyes that makes Doyoung feel a sudden stab of longing he hadn’t expected to feel.

Ten seconds later, Jaemin sends a second message.

_Renjun~_

He doesn’t send Doyoung anything else, and Doyoung doesn’t respond. Instead, he scrolls up, and looks at the picture again. A second examination reveals Jaemin caught in the mirror behind Renjun, mostly obscured.

» »

Staying back later than everyone else to practise isn’t anything new to Doyoung. They all have strengths and weaknesses; he knows where his lie. Complacency is a bad habit.

“You’re missing the timing.”

Doyoung doesn’t know how long Jaemin’s been there watching him. He’s dressed the same as he was when he left the practice room half an hour ago: mint green hoodie and black sweats, a mask covering half his face. Jaemin walks over to Doyoung and stops beside him, facing the mirror.

Looking at their reflection, Jaemin says, “You keep moving your arms before your feet. They’re lagging too much. That’s why you’ve been missing a step.”

Doyoung should be used to being told his mistakes by people younger than him by now. Donghyuck does it often enough. It still feels like a blow to his pride when Jaemin corrects him, guiding Doyoung through the movements with a watchful eye.

He’s not so petty that he doesn’t thank Jaemin when they’re done, but he’s quick to turn away, heading for the spot where he left his belongings. Lingering in his shortcomings isn’t the way Doyoung wants to end a long and tiring day.

Doyoung hears Jaemin’s footsteps behind him, so he knows he’s been followed. He straightens up to meet the inevitable: Jaemin’s arms encircling his waist, pulling him back into a hug. There’s a tension in Doyoung’s shoulders that stops him from relaxing into it, but he places his hands atop Jaemin’s arms; the best he can do return some affection.

Face buried in the crook of Doyoung’s neck, Jaemin says:

“I know you kissed Renjun.”

Doyoung’s hands holding onto Jaemin suddenly feel like an unwanted presence. He forces himself to stick through the discomfort, not wanting to move before Jaemin does. It takes longer than he expects. Jaemin continues to clutch at him, content with his position, even as Doyoung feels slowly suffocated by the silence.

Long after leaving the studio, Doyoung still feels the shadow of Jaemin slumped against him, completely spent.

» »

Doyoung thinks if there’s one thing he’ll remember most about Resonance promotions, it’ll be how much time he spent waiting around. Days on set are long and tedious. They all have their ways of toughing it out.

Normally Doyoung keeps himself occupied through the idle periods by seeking activity. Time passes faster in the company of friends. Today he sits back and simply observes.

Some of the scenes that play out before him are familiar. Donghyuck flits between groups with enviable ease, bringing a fresh burst of energy to every interaction. Mark is rarely left alone, always the target of someone’s affection. Other scenes are less known; the product of bringing such a large group together.

Mostly, Doyoung looks at Jaemin and he looks at Renjun. He’s not sure what he’s expecting to find. A moment of clarity, perhaps. A moment where he catches a glimpse of them sharing a look or a touch that carries enough weight to make all of the pieces fall into place.

He’s left disappointed. From where he’s sitting, all of their interactions look unremarkable.

While he’s still searching, Jeno slots into the seat beside him. He leans against Doyoung with the ease of familiarity, bringing warmth that seeps into Doyoung’s side. “Hey,” he says, reaching across to take Doyoung’s hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

Jeno shrugs. “You seem… I don’t know. Not yourself.”

Sitting there with Jeno, watching him play with the rings on Doyoung’s fingers, Doyoung feels a sudden burst of fondness. He tugs Jeno in, wrapping him tightly between his arms. “My lovely Jeno,” he says. “Always so kind.”

“Not that kind,” Jeno murmurs.

Doyoung pulls back with a questioning head tilt. Jeno’s smile is sweet.

“Kind to you,” Jeno says. “Not to everyone.”

» »

Some time later, Renjun calls him.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

It’s a rejection of sorts. Doyoung takes a moment to let the words settle, trying to decide how they make him feel.

“Was it really that bad?”

“No.” Renjun pauses for a long moment. “But I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known.”

Doyoung frowns. “Known what?”

Another pause follows. “It’s not my place to say.”

After hanging up on Renjun, Doyoung scrolls through his messages until he finds Jeno’s name. The last message Jeno sent him was two days ago. He’d found a stray, black cat wandering outside the dorm and snapped a photo of it pressed against his leg, face turned up towards the camera.

_He reminded me of you ^^_

Doyoung starts to type before changing his mind, opting to call Jeno instead. Jeno is surprisingly quick to answer, greeting Doyoung with a soft voice that makes Doyoung smile.

“I miss you,” Doyoung says.

On the other end of the line, Jeno replies: “I haven’t gone anywhere.”

Maybe Jeno’s right. Maybe he never went anywhere, but Doyoung did.

He’s back now.


End file.
